The Hum That Never Leaves

Anxiety is not always loud or obvious. Sometimes it is not a panic attack or a meltdown. Sometimes it is simply the hum. It lingers beneath the surface and follows you into every part of your day. It sits in your chest. It curls in your stomach. It whispers in your thoughts even when you are smiling or pretending to be calm.
For many of us, alcohol became the one thing that turned the volume down. A drink made the hum feel less urgent. The racing thoughts slowed just enough to let us breathe. The body released its grip, shoulders dropping, jaw unclenching. With alcohol, the noise faded into the background. For a while, it felt like relief. For a while, it felt like the closest thing to peace.
The hum steals sleep. Nights become rehearsals for everything that might go wrong. You lie in bed replaying mistakes and predicting disasters. The body refuses to rest. Even when exhaustion pulls you under, you wake with a jolt, convinced something is wrong. Alcohol steps in here too. A nightcap, a buzz, a sip that softens the edges. It helps the body slip into stillness, even if only for a few hours. Yet the hum is patient. It waits until morning and greets you again, sometimes heavier than before.
Anxiety also distorts decisions. It freezes you in place, making small choices feel impossible. At other times, it pushes you into rushed decisions because waiting feels unbearable. Alcohol can shift both of these states. It can free you to make the call you were afraid to make. It can give you the courage to say yes, or the courage to finally say no. For a time, the choice feels lighter. But later, when the hum returns, it questions everything you did under the glass. It whispers doubt into even your moments of bravery.
None of this means you are broken. It means you have been surviving. The drink is not your enemy. It has been your ally when nights were too long and choices too heavy. It has been your pause button when the hum drowned out every other sound.